The Silent Battles
Not going to lie the last couple of weeks have been a struggle. Between the stress of trying to move onto base, the uncertainty of my work schedule, and the daily struggles of my medical issues. There are some days it feels like the ground keeps shifting under my feet. I’m on medication to manage the pain, but the more I take them, the more I feel… off. It feels like the medications are helping one part of me while wearing down another.
Every day I’ve been noticing a rise in anxiety and a wave of depression that makes even small things feel impossible. When everything hurts and the medications makes me feel the kind of tired where waking up has been a struggle and my bed starts to look like the safest place to be. I try my best not to isolate. To be honest God didn’t create us to be alone.
There’s also been so much tragedy around us, especially in the last couple weeks. It feels like tragedy after tragedy. My heart breaks for families who have lost loved ones due to violence. When I can’t seem to find the right words, I hope that my actions speak for me. I pray that I don’t slip back into the mindset I had before, the one that nearly cost me my life.
Even though I want to reach out, I’m afraid of being a burden. I struggle with overthinking and telling myself that everyone else has their own struggles, and not wanting to add mine on top of that. My biggest fear is that no one would know the real me behind the “I’m good” or “I’m okay”default responses when someone asks me how I’m doing and the short conversations because to be honest even talking is tiresome. I want someone to see it all: the extreme tiredness, the fear, and the silent pain I tend to hide a little too well.
So I’m trying to do the small things that matter. I’ve been trying to build a routine and stick to it. I pray and read when I can. I show up to Bible study because it gives me a community that I desperately need especially on nights where things become too dark and heavy.
I don’t have everything figured out. Some days I still feel like staying under the covers. But I wanted to write this because silence struggle is starting to feel heavier than I can carry. If my words help one person feel less alone today, then this matters.
If you can relate, feeling tired, overwhelmed, half-present , you are not broken, and you aren’t alone. Sometimes the small things makes a huge difference. Reach out to a friend. Sit still for one minute without scrolling. Whisper a prayer, even if it feels clumsy. These little actions go a long way and makes a huge difference.
Your story is not over. You are not a burden. You are not invisible. You are loved, and you matter more than you know. God sees you, and meets you where you are. He created everyone for a reason and a purpose. He wants to help. All He ask is that we don’t carry it alone and call out to Him in time of struggles and say “Lord, I need you”
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
(Matthew 11:28–30)
“A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;”
(Ecclesiastes 3:4)
Lastly If you’re struggling with thoughts of harming yourself, please reach out now:
Call your local emergency number or a crisis line.
In the U.S., dial 988, someone will listen. They are available 24/7
If you’re elsewhere, I’m honestly not sure what resources other countries have so please reach out to someone that does know the emergency or crisis resources in your area.
